Breathing Through It

A (more) personal post.

Before things shut down in 2020, a decent portion of my small business involved giving lectures, participating in panels and conducting workshops. (There’s nothing more hilarious than trying in earnest to convince a crowd that showed up for the SWAG bag that they don’t need to accept every free item dangled in front of them.)

During one lecture, I was charging through my usual uphill battle when I experienced sudden, excruciating cramping. I struggled to keep my body upright. I remember wondering if the microphone was picking up the sudden change in my breathing, as I engaged the pain management techniques I used when giving birth for the first time without an epidural.

Over the years, the cramps grew worse. 

The abrupt moments of debilitation became more numerous.

The bleeding became alarming.

(And I got really annoyed.)

By mid-cycle every month, my waistline swelled to a point that inspired strangers and acquaintances to ask if I was pregnant. (PSA: For a hundred reasons, do not ask that question of anyone. Ever.) Throughout most of 2023 I stopped showing myself on social media, as I was constantly bouncing between telling folks I wasn’t pregnant, informing people that they shouldn’t have asked in the first place, and then my icky desire to make sure that no one who inquired felt guilty. 

One night, as my husband and I were having a conversation in the cottage kitchen, I had to drop to the floor on my hands and knees in order to best manage the cramping as we talked. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last, but it was the moment I decided to finally consult my OBGYN about the situation. 

It took months to get an appointment, but when I finally saw my doctor I didn’t enter the conversation insisting that anything was “wrong.” I just knew that my condition (whatever it was called, if anything,) was becoming increasingly disruptive to most aspects of my life. 

After an exam, an ultrasound and cervical biopsy, I was diagnosed with adenomyosis, along with some other non-cancerous reproductive issues. While there are several ways to alleviate the symptoms of adenomyosis, the sure way to get rid of it is by having a hysterectomy.